i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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