Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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