fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
