i already hear my dad disowning me
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
