These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
