i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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