Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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