you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
