enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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