Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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