good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
