I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
