we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
