About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
