I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
