You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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