He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
