quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
