My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Sponge bath it is.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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