remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
