Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
