i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
