uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
