so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
