i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
