cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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