My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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