I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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