If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
