just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
So much rum. So many feels.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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