i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
