Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
