my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
