all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
