The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
