He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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