Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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