my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
