Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Randomize
