What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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