Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
