At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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