Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Randomize
