He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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