He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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