oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
