I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
