I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
