cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
