You're a womanizer and a bitch.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
