Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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