I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
