We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Someone shattered a urinal.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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